Royal Rumble 2014 Predictions

WWE Royal Rumble 2014 Predictions

Cody Rhodes & Goldust (c) v The New Age Outlaws

So, for the last few years they’ve tried to create a tag team division worthy of caring about. In the last 12 months it has exploded and we’ve had a great pair of tag champions for the last six months. Why on earth the New Age Outlaws are now in this programme and, more worryingly, strong favourites to win the titles is utterly baffling. There must be at least five tag teams who could have been put in this position but instead they’ve gone with some old timers who have come back into consciousness over the last couple of years.

It’s too soon for a split between the Rhodes’ brothers but if they do it and they go with that match at Mania, I’ll certainly enjoy it. I think they should delay it, however, until SummerSlam perhaps. So, despite the stupidity of it all, I’ll go with the bookmakers and say that the Rhodes’ lose here.

Winners: The New Age Outlaws

Daniel Bryan v Bray Wyatt

Bray is yet to live up to his promise in the ring. His promos have been enthralling at times. The one he cut this week on Raw on Bryan was astonishing; in fact, I was shocked at how little coverage it got. His voice is perfect. He has a southern drawl, a charisma worthy of Max Cady from Cape Fear and delivers complex dialogue beautifully. In the ring, though, he’s yet to be anywhere near as good. Even with Bryan, I don’t see this as being particularly good.

Bryan ought to win but I think Bray wins after interference from the Wyatts. It will probably run fairly short and it will disappoint the fans but they might just get a pay off later…

Winner: Bray Wyatt

Big Show v Brock Lesnar

My god what a waste of everyone’s time this one is. Lesnar is one of the most, if not the most, fantastic performers that they have at the moment. If you watch his matches since his return, they’ve been tremendous: Cena at Extreme Rules 2012 was just excellent; the Triple H matches were great, particularly the first; the Punk match was a joy. So why the fuck are they wasting their time with this pile of shit? Lesnar running away from Big Show? It’s a booking nonsense.

Lesnar will get thrown around, sell to Show’s stupid moves and take silly bumps that he shouldn’t while Show does his tough face that nobody buys. All of this is so hateful and it makes me incredibly angry. Lesnar should not be facing Big Show in 2014. Just think about that for a moment; Brock Lesnar v The Big Show in 2014. Seriously. Lesnar should be facing Orton, Batista, Cena, Bryan, Punk or even Langston or Reigns.

Or course Lesnar wins. F-5 in the middle of the ring for a huge pop. Lesnar and Undertaker at WrestleMania 30 will be one that is played again and again. In a word: huge.

Winner: Brock Lesnar

Randy Orton (c) v John Cena

I hope that this is better than their last match. It certainly ought to be and I think it will be. The angle with Cena’s dad injected some much needed personal heat into this match. Before it, Orton’s complaints were with The Authority and not his opponent. Orton, as hot favourite, is a poor champion and a feud with Batista for the title at Mania is hardly exciting.

If they go with Orton, I hope he drops it at the Chamber to Cena so that we get a non-title match between Orton and Batista at Mania and, instead, Cena and Bryan for the title. I don’t think they’re interested in that happening, though, even though that would be the perfect way to end that year long storyline for Daniel Bryan.

Orton wins here. It won’t be clean because they neuter him on a weekly basis and they need to keep Cena strong. He keeps the title through til WrestleMania. It blows off the feud and Cena moves on to a new programme. I don’t see Bray (the current plan) as that programme but we shall see…

Winner: Randy Orton

Royal Rumble Match

Unless Bryan enters and they go with him and Cena at WrestleMania which I think would do stellar business and would satisfy me hugely, then there are few who can win this. Batista and Orton is a lock for Mania so, unless they want to do a swerve, it could be Batista here. Punk has an outside chance; beyond that I don’t see there being many realistic options, though I’m happy to be surprised.

I’m looking forward to seeing several things here and I hope they deliver: Punk going 50-60 minutes could be one for the ages. He’s one the safest hands in the roster right now and certainly the ring general of the names who are officially entered at time of press. Kofi’s annual spot is also one to look out for; if he tops the chair-hopping from last year, it will take some creative genius. There will be a few surprise entrants and the buzz surrounding those is always tremendous fun. Suspects include: Sheamus, Christian, Evan Borne, Jimmy Wang Yang, Jericho, RVD, Kevin Nash, Sean Waltman, John Morrison, Hogan, Warrior, Jake Roberts, Undertaker and Triple H among others.

Roman Reigns is the favourite with the odds-makers to be the man to eliminate the most this year on his way to becoming a genuine player. Punk will come close, Langston should run riot for a while, Batista may even equal or better those if he wins.

Winner: Daniel Bryan

WWE Superstars TV Report – 23rd January 2014

This week’s episode of WWE Superstars did its best but coming off the back of that stellar number that Raw did on Monday, they made the show look pretty average.

We kick off with The Bellas in the ring. They’re not great babyfaces, particularly Nikki and she’s stood there this week wearing a baseball cap backwards but is also in full ring gear. It’s not a strong look. If ever you wanted to telegraph interference, I’d say that was the easiest way. Alicia Fox is Brie’s opponent tonight. She never wrestles anymore and is inexplicably now managed by Aksana – or at least she is for the purposes of this match on this show. There’s two Divas they could do without. Fun fact for you from A-Ry: Alicia Fox is the only African American Divas champion in history.

Brie Bella (w/Nikki) v Alicia Fox (w/Aksana)

Brie immediately locks in a single-leg crab until Fox gets to the ropes. Alicia Fox’s hair is really bad now. I seem to remember that she used to be an attractive girl, when she first came in and was involved with Edge. Honestly, here, she looks a mess. Brie hits a back body drop but Fox sends her outside. Fox hits a backbreaker and gets a two count. Then Fox plants a well-executed Northern Lights Suplex into a bridge for a two count.

Fox and Aksana are going nowhere in the company right now. For some reason, getting cut is not in vogue these days in WWE but these two would surely be high up the list. Bringing in Paige, Emma and Flair’s daughter from NXT would make a great deal more sense than wasting any more time with these two. Aksana had a decent match on here a few weeks ago that was completely out of character but she’s more often than not quite dangerous in the ring.

Brie makes a comeback and channels her inner Daniel Bryan. She’s started to use knees and kicks like Bryan does and hits Fox with Multiple knees to the face, but Aksana runs in so Fox can get off the ropes. Nikki and Aksana brawl ringside; Nikki hitting her with the Backbreaker rack that she uses. This sets up Fox for the weakest running knee that you’ll likely to ever see – I literally thought she was going to have to go back and do it again – but then the she hits Fox with faceplant for the win.

When Total Divas is off air, these Divas have nothing going for them. No one cared watching this; post-production, they crowd sweetened the reactions; and worst of all, these four didn’t seem to care either. There’s been much better Divas stuff on Superstars in the last six months.

Winner: Brie Bella via pinfall (4:28)

The Raw Rebound is next – Batista’s unremarkable return is the feature followed by the Big Show and Lesnar face off. Firstly, Batista looks unnaturally good for 45 here. I’m just putting it out there. Secondly, why would Brock Lesnar run away from The Big Show? Thirdly, its 2014 who really wants to see Lesnar v Show? A complete and utter waste of Lesnar.

Hunico, dressed as Sin Cara, is out next on Superstars. The real Sin Cara just did an interview this weekend claiming that he owns the character and so WWE will have to drop the gimmick soon. He claims to be done with the company, said that he never wanted to learn English because it was an “ugly language” and said that he couldn’t believe that they didn’t do more with “his image”, especially given how much Sin Cara merchandise they shift (second only to Cena). He sounds quite the employee…

Well, they’re finally listening at WWE HQ and we’re given a six-man on Superstars. Sin Cara and Los Matadores join forces to face 3MB. Which means thing: Heath’s back!

Los Matadores (w/El Torrito) & Sin Cara v 3MB

With all the makings of a fun, house show quality match, Slater and Fernando start, and Slater is instantly humiliated. He’s an awesome scum bag, cowardly heel. Still think the best thing I ever saw him do was get kicked off the apron so that his glasses pinged off and smashed; instead of clutching his face he shouted “how dare you! My glasses!” The guy is great lower card comedy heel fodder. Diego tags in, but Mahal and McIntyre rescue Slater. They do this every match: they regroup outside and point at their opposition saying nonsensical drivel and we go to a commercial.

3MB are good at building up tension with the babyfaces before the hot tag. After the ads, they have Fernando is stuck in their corner and they use quick tags to work him over. Drew is really good and shows it here. He’s got a lot about him that’s far better than his current station but, from what I’ve read, he’s OK with it. His crazy push in 2010-11 as the ‘chosen one’ was typical WWE: too much, too fast, too soon. He’ll come again, I’m sure. Jinder, the worst of the three, clears his lines, trying to punch Diego off the apron but, of course, this lets Fernando recover, hitting a last ditch Codebreaker. Which reminds me, Jericho is in Pittsburgh right now. I’d happily see him do a 20 minute stint; guy knows exactly how to work a Rumble.

So we get the hot tag: Sin Cara and McIntyre come in. Sin Cara is all pace here and shows how he’s doing the best he can with this gimmick. He’s heavier and less agile than the real Sin Cara and he’s clearly too old to be working this kind of style for long. The finish is cool: they are both on the outside of the ring on the apron after having cleared the ring and he hits an enziguiri on Drew, so that he falls back into the ring over the top rope. He got a great connection on it and Drew sold it perfectly. This sets up the Swanton Bomb and he covers Drew for the win.

Winners:  Los Matadores & Sin Cara via pinfall (7:17)

The show finishes with the end of the Kofi v Orton match from Raw and runs into Cena’s brawl with Randy all over the stadium to set up their match for this Sunday.

WWE Superstars TV Report – 16th January 2014

This week’s WWE Superstars was dedicated to the memory of Mae Young. And rightly so. If ever the word ‘Superstar’ had any meaning, it had meaning when assigned to the likes of Mae Young. A truly incredible woman.

The Funkadactyls come out to start off the show accompanying Xavier Woods. Anyone else think that he looks like Richard Pryor? R-Truth is alongside them and comes out to do commentary. I still can’t believe that they have just replaced Brodus with Xavier Woods. Why think of another gimmick when you can just give it to someone else? Truth appears to be wearing the most enormous crucifix you’ve ever seen. I wonder if they’ll ever go with him as a preacher – he’d be excellent in that role.

Brodus comes out to face Woods. The new music, look and style suit him. Having spoken to him, I know that he was never fazed by the Funkasaurus stuff but I’d guess he’s happier in this role. He’s the kind of wrestler, though, who is honestly just happy doing what he’s doing so long as he gets to be in WWE.

Xavier Woods v Brodus Clay

They lock up and Brodus shoves Woods into the corner who then retaliates with punches and kicks. He slides through Brodus’ legs and then stuns him with a drop kick. Brodus stumbles but isn’t knocked down and then hits him with a headbutt (Truth noting on commentary, “God that headbutt hurts”) and elbow drops Woods. Woods is man-handled and kicks out at two.

Brodus goes to work on his lower back with punches and hits him with a splash, following it up with an elbow drop. Brodus lifts Woods into a torture rack and then uses a backdrop into a backbreaker submission to continue to wear down Woods’ lower back. Not often you see wrestlers working the back these days.

Brodus gets caught by an enziguiri which allows Woods some room. He uses a basement drop kick to take out Clay’s legs and then hits him with a big flying forearm to the face and a drop kick. He goes for a cover but Clay kicks out at two. Woods then goes to the second rope but gets caught mid air and Brodus transitions it into his signature overhead suplex. Rather than trying to capitalise, Clay takes his time and climbs to the second rope, goes for the Splat! but Woods rolls out of the way.

Woods hits Lost in the Woods and covers Clay for the win. This was a nothing match but listening to R-Truth playing cheerleader on co-commentary was fun.

Winner: Xavier Woods via pinfall (4:42)

The Raw Rebound is next – we’re shown Punk & The New Age Outlaws v The Shield, with Punk getting screwed, followed by Kofi’s stolen win on Orton leading to Orton laying out Cena’s dad. Raw was pretty great on Monday, has to be said. Hopefully, a sign of things to come as we head into Mania season.

The Prime Time Players are out next on WWE Superstars. We’re shown a few geeks in the nose-bleeds doing the Millions of Dollars dance and then 3MB come out. Well, it’s nice to see Heath Slater back after his personal issues but I can’t believe Jinder gets the nod ahead of Heath to actually work in the ring.

Prime Time Players v 3MB (w/ Heath Slater)

Mahal and O’Neil start things off and Mahal immediately looks for a wrist lock, botches it, which angers O’Neil who then grabs him and throws him into the corner and viciously open-hand slaps his chest. This looked shoot actually. The way that O’Neil grabbed him and the scowl on his face looked like he was legitimately angry with Mahal. All very odd. He hits him again and then picks him up and chucks him to the mat because Heath Slater is up on the apron.

Young tags in and they double team Mahal with a battering ram and a backbreaker. Young covers him but Mahal kicks out at two. Mahal thrusts Young into the corner and hits him with shoulders to the ribs and Drew tags in. Drew uses punches and Flair chops only to then run into Young who catches him with a clothesline, an atomic drop and finally a snap scoop powerslam a la Randy Orton. He covers McIntyre but only gets a one count.

Young puts in him a headlock and tags in O’Neil who again uses open hand chops to the chest on McIntyre in the corner. McIntyre reverses and uses some Flair chops of his own. I think there’s some beef between these two teams, you can just sense it in the way they’re being tonight. McIntyre talks trash at O’Neil but gets smacked with a stiff clothesline. O’Neil picks him up by the hair and walks him over to tag in Darren Young. They double team McIntyre: O’Neil scoop slams him to the mat and then gourdbusters Young into Drew. Drew rolls outside; Mahal tries to interfere and gets run out of the ring. They regroup outside and we go to a break.

After the commercials, O'Neil controls McIntyre with stiff offense. Getting a two count.  O’Neil tags in Young who come off the top rope and hits Drew with a flying forearm. McIntyre gets Young isolated in the 3MB corner after throwing Young through the ropes to the floor.  O’Neil is fuming but can’t help out. A series of quick tags sees 3MB take control, working over his right arm, getting a single near fall in about two minutes of fairly dull work.

Finally, Darren manages to hit a released Northern Lights suplex on Mahal which sees both men down.  They crawl to their corners and we get a double tag. Titus gets the heat and dominates McIntyre with clotheslines and a Stinger Splash. Mahal breaks up a cover but takes the Gut Check from Young. This leaves McIntyre to be the one who takes the Clash of the Titus and gets covered for the win.

Pretty standard tag team house show stuff here. I do think they need to start getting Slater into the ring with 3MB. He’s a much better worker than Mahal and really lives the gimmick. Time too, I think, to take Titus to the next level as a singles star; he’s fairly over and seriously strong.

Winners:  Prime Time Players via pinfall (7:17)

The show finishes with the end of the Bryan & Usos v Wyatts cage match. Bryan at the top of that cage, leading the Yes chants as the camera pans out to see the crowd ALL doing the same, is probably the most iconic image that WWE have created in some time.

WWE Royal Rumble Rebooked

WWE 2011

When the WWE announced that Royal Rumble 2011 would be a groundbreaking event, I was most excited. My favourite of the gimmick ppvs was about to change its main event from having 30 entrants to 40. It was quite the potential buy rate booster. And yet when it came to fruition it led to little more than a run out for a further 10 nobodies from the locker room on a show that failed to deliver, particularly in its main event.

 If I was to turn back the clock, go counter to all the rules of space time and assume the role of Vince McMahon in the pre-Rumble booking meeting via some form of osmosis, I would certainly have done things differently.

Of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing. But I don’t want to rebook the whole show, I don’t want to even change the winner. I merely want to change the course of events that led to the finish. Admittedly, I’d be calling in a few favours from a few ex-pros and, yes, I’d be asking people to be fit and healthy who, at the time, were probably unavailable but then that is the licence that I have at my artistic disposal in this fantasy booking activity.

The Rumble originally when down like this: drawing number one was CM Punk. Then they played The Corre's music and they all hit the ring. The new Nexus then hit the ring and we had a huge brawl. 1) What a stupid start. 2) Nobody cared at all. This was Boston and the crowd was hot. The GM (who at this stage, remember folks, was a laptop) dinged. Michael Cole then announced that the GM ordered everyone to stop. It was ruled that Punk was the only man allowed in the ring and everyone else needed to leave, and failing to comply would result in a DQ from the match. So why did they play Corre's music then? Who was supposed to be number two? The intense TD Garden crowd chanted, “CM Punk!” Out next was Daniel Bryan. They worked really well together and the fans did the duelling chants.

Firstly, I would never have started like this. I’d have booked Punk to start out with Bryan, fine, but I wouldn’t have done this silly Corre and Nexus stare down which, let’s be honest, never went anywhere. What I would have done was use this event to reveal who the GM really was.

No, I wouldn’t have made it Hornswoggle. And, no, Hornswoggle wouldn’t have been one of my 40 Superstars (if you can call him that) to enter the Rumble. My GM would have been Triple H. At least that’s what people would assume. The GM would announce that he was entering himself into the rumble and then Triple H would appear. In reality, it would have been Steph but this would be to come on Raw in future weeks.

I would have had him enter at 39 only to be eliminated by The Undertaker who enters at 40 for the win. They would blow off any championship hopes at the Elimination Chamber so that the Undertaker match could take place as planned at Mania. The beauty of this would mean that: the GM would be somebody; the angle could have been buried there and then and Triple H would have a reason to return to face Taker at WrestleMania. Believe it or not, the plan as of the Rumble weekend was for The Undertaker to face Wade Barrett at WrestleMania. Nuts.

Earlier in the evening, I would have had Miz lose the WWE title to Randy Orton. When Cena and Punk met in the ring, it would have become apparent that their meeting was to be a big programme from now on and when the ring was cleared, the two would eyeball each other and stare at the WrestleMania sign. Punk was so pissed when they went with Miz at Mania in 2011 and rightly so. The company’s best heel for versus the company’s biggest babyface ought to be the main event, right? Cena would go on to eliminate Punk, win the title from Orton at the Chamber and Cena and Punk would headline Mania. Orton, meanwhile, would go on to have a blow off feud with Miz who had cashed in on Orton in the first place to win the title.

And so to those 10 nobodies who failed to light up the Rumble match that night in Boston. Yoshi Tatsu, JTG, Michael McGillicutty, Chris Masters, Tyler Reks, Hornswoggle, Ezekial Jackson, Jack Swagger, Chavo, Vladimir Kozlov. And boy were there others who I would consider to be in the same category but they were at least involved in storylines at this point so it made sense for them to enter. I would have replaced them with: Cody Rhodes (who was oddly absent here), Dolph Ziggler (who had lost earlier to Edge), Jericho (because he’s tremendous and know how to work a Rumble), Triple H, Undertaker, Road Warrior Animal, Jim Duggan (who would both be Hall of Fame entrants that year), as well as The Usos and Rikishi for a nice family pop.

Swapping Miz for Punk at Mania makes way more sense and would have, arguably, done better business. I do feel that what I’ve put in place here would have made more sense out of what became a rather confused and jobber-heavy event. Having Undertaker and Triple H in there, whilst revealing the identity of the GM, would have sold a few replays and would have made sense going into WrestleMania. 2011 lacked star-power; I’d say this would have been a far better way to do things given the limited resources.